| Slept in late |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|01:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ENYA - Mirabilis | ] |
But it's understandable, because I did not retire to bed until the early hours of the morning. I get so wound up after working the closing bakery shift at IGA, I find it hard to settle down when I get home. (It doesn't help that I commute home alone through a relatively dodgy area of town at 10:30 - 11:00 at night; the adrenaline keeps me on edge the whole time.)
Arien is working 10-6 today (and I, 4-10:15), so I will miss seeing him yet again. So, hanging out here at the apartment by myself, I am sort of lonely and lost. Mom is off visiting her friend Irene for the afternoon, Curt is at work, Kat is probably working, and Marissa...Hmm I really should call Marissa soon and see how she is recovering from her wedding.
Now that I am sort of in the process of getting better, I get these strange remembrances sometimes: not only images but sounds, smells, sometimes tastes (although I think my olfactory organs have pretty well been shot). - Yeah, I know, don't split infinitives and all that stuff. I'll notice something in my surroundings and Wham! I'm right there again, and all of emotions and thoughts connected to the situation are brought forth as well. Mainly they are positive experiences, though often times I am left feeling somewhat sad.
I guess I should make some attempt at getting some chores done before I go to work. That's all for now |
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| Back Again |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|06:38 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Miss Indepent (Clarkson) | ] |
Lots of interesting developments in the last month:
As of Friday, I have 2 full root canals done. Yea! After this appointment though, I experienced a fair amount of gingival pain. It's been bothering me for a couple of days; if it persists too much longer I may have to look into it.
Today is the first day of my bakery clerk training at IGA in New West (Colombia Square). I was hired on Friday (this was a busy day), and am training the next 4 days for a total of 25 hours. I am so scared. In case anyone is counting, this is like my eleventh job since I've been old enough to work. Each time I think I have it figured out, but in the end it just doesn't work out. I just don't want to blow this.
I know I have to get healthy ASAP - to preserve my new dental work, to retain my new job, and to attempt to get on with my life. I have gone to great length to diminish eating-disorder behaviour, but I still struggle everyday - especially in the afternoon. I am taking an antidepressant now, which not only seems to help with my disposition, but also seems to help with my compulsive tendencies. Two interesting side-effects:
1)Breast swelling and sensitivity - I'm pretty well used to it now after a couple months
2)Decrease in appetite - a little annoying because I am never ready to eat when I normally would. If I leave it too long though, I get sort of frightened...
What to do about school? Well, I guess I shouldn't really be entertaining the idea until all of my dental work is completed. But when it is, what would I study? Do I go to UBC for Dietetics or do I go to SFU to continue my half-completed linguistics degree? Or do I start something entirely new? I don't even know if I have the wherewithal to be a student anymore; certainly not the kind of student I used to be when I first started at SFU.
Well, I better get on to some chores now - dishes need to be done, floor swept, tea finished...Best to hop-to before my sleepy muffin awakes from his slumber :)
It's Monday, Yea! New Su Doku puzzles in the Metro and 24 (Can you tell I'm addicted?)
Wish me luck with today. |
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| Today |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|09:31 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Background TV noises | ] |
Hmm.. Lots of stuff that I could potentially do today, but I'm feeling pretty nauseous from my medicine. Going out to a workshop on cover letters at the employment centre. Arien will stay here at home and rest. I need to get a job so desperately; we just can't keep going on like this. I feel spacey and a little overwhelmed, that's all. |
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| Rissa's comment |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|09:28 am] |
Thanks for the support *hugs in return*. Never made it to the OA meeting, but I did go to volunteering and stuff. After, Arien picked me up (it's in New West) and we went to the Wendy's on 6th. Arien had 2 Big Bacon Classics sandwiches and a coke, I had a Chicken BLT salad with Fat-Free French Dressing; it was good.
I am volunteering a few days a week at a Human Resource Centre across from the Royal City Centre Mall, called Fraserside. I mainly do secretarial work there, and am becoming more experienced using non-Mac computers.
Right now Arien and I are in pretty dire financial straits. We've had to borrow money from my mom, my dad, and Hamish (Arien's brother) - so I'm really hoping that we'll make it thru.
Arien's not going to work again today because he has a fever and feels really shitty; a cold I think (if you can imagine an AIDS patient with a cold).
Hope your job is going well. Hope Robin is OK too. I went on your Friends Only section of your LJ - wowm so much stuff!
Could you please explain to me what's happening with rides to the wedding? Arien and I can stay if we are needed. Also, which day is the rehearsal? July 18th is a Tuesday, is it at 5 pm? Where should I meet up with you?
Drop me a note or give me a call when you get the chance.
Much love always,
Nara |
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| Today |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|11:18 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kabah | ] |
This morning I lounged around with my Sleepy Baby (Arien). I feel a little strange: like hungry, but not really. Weird. Yesterday I didn't eat lunch because I wasn't hungry, and then didn't get around to it when I could have eaten something. I ended up having an early dinner at Mom's (food I had brought along). Gotta get ready for volunteering at 1:00pm; Mom's coming by to drop me off at the skytrain, so toodles. Tonite I am going to the Over-Eaters Anonymous meeting at Burnaby General with my honey. I wish I had a job. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Enya, Watermark | ] |
A day without rain, though the air is pregnant with percipitation
Only the sky is overcast
And not the feelings in my heart.
I am cold
And it's not just me |
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| Yuck |
[May. 28th, 2006|11:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
So I'm sitting here at the comp trying really hard not to be a total downer - as mom says: don't even go there. I looked at the SOF and IGA flyers online because it is the first day of the new sale for the week (Sunday), and kept forgetting that I can't eat half the stuff I used to anymore. My teeth have finally eroded to the point where the nerves are exposed and I cannot tolerate anything chewy, crunchy, brittle, and basically anything that isn't room temperature. I looked in our accordion bathroom mirror, twisting and peering to get a clearer idea of the damage and I can see that the little bits of tooth which still remain are paper - thin, translucent, and painfully jagged. The inner edges are worn almost to nothing; the outer (exposed) edges are slightly longer - a natural cavern in my mouth created by the ebb and flow of stomach acid.
I know that it sounds bad (and it is), and you would think that this would deter if not prevent me from continuing this destructive behaviour. But it doesn't. Nothing can anymore. Part of me wishes that I could stop, and I feel sad and hopeless; another part urges me onwards. It says: maybe if you could wear away all of your dental material you will not be able to eat at all, thus solving the bingeing problem. My teeth won't cause me any pain if they aren't there. I don't know what to do anymore. |
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| lost |
[May. 17th, 2006|01:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I am still looking for a job, but it seems really hopeless. I just don't know what to do anymore. And the worst thing is that the longer I go without having a job the more I am compelled to want material things. I'm honestly beginning to believe that I must have some sort of "excessive spending" disorder in addition to the eating disorder I already have.
I feel like such a loser and a mooch. A works so hard everyday at McDonald's, and also labouring at construction work in my parents' back yard, and I feel so badly that I can not find work and that I am eating away at the small income that he does make. I am so bad.
On a different note though: It is wonderful to have a cell phone once again and be able to connect with the rest of the world in real time. While I was without one the last few weeks I felt like I was interacting with the world in a weird stilted way. It is so nice to know that you can pick up the phone and talk to another person, or know that you can leave a message for them which they are certain to reply to as soon as they find it. Somehow though, I still feel lonely and out of place |
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| Ok, here we go... |
[May. 11th, 2006|10:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
I have been thinking of starting a livejournal (or any journal at all) for quite some time - but now that I have it set up, the thoughts and images in my head are not coming forth the way which I had expected.
I encourage readers (if there are readers) to post comments ... I live on feedback of any nature.
I need to go to a doctor's appointment now, so I will post something longer and more meaningful later |
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